Last night I had a dream. It promised to reveal the secrets of the universe, but instead only made me feel like a fool. Perhaps below the surface beyond what I could perceive there was the meaning of the universe… I just hope it wasn’t 42.

I met Tom Cruise at an outdoor cafe where we sat and spoke about all things universal. We discussed quantum theory and the mechanics of possible time and space travel. We lingered on the fact that comedy truly is a cure for all that ails. We ran through the nature of man, and the behavior of women, touched on psychological conditions and their treatment, whether mental or aided by pharmaceuticals. When we got to the part where Tom promised to show me the secrets of the universe I was excited, scared, overjoyed—not ready. Tom was finally going to give the secrets to me, pass them along so I could pass them to others as they were ready.

This is when he revealed secret number one.

Will Ferrell in full cowboy regalia, from white hat to shiny, silver spurs and white, leather chaps in between, polished buttons and triangle pocket flaps, full sleeve fringe and a great, big, golden “Texas” belt buckle. He had asthma and was choking and laughing, choking and laughing, grabbing at his bolo tie trying desperately to loosen it.

Bewildered I look at Tom, he merely gave me that million dollar smile and nodded yes, yes with a look of “get it?” I shook my head and tried to clear it, what in the hell did this mean.

Tom says “Here’s the other secret” and moved his arm in a large arc as if presenting the other secret, for which I had to turn around.

Over the hill coming down towards the cafe was Conan O’Brien dressed like a vampire. The classic “Dracula” with widows peak, tuxedo and red lined cape, he was on a BMX bicycle speeding towards us, when he was close, he did a half doughnut skid lining up with our table perfectly, then began a series of odd poses punctuating each one by booming “Maximum Conan! Maximum Conan!”

Odd to say the least, unfortunately this is when I woke, so I’m not sure if Tom had anymore to show me or if that was it. In any case I fear I’m just not open enough to have gotten Tom’s “secrets”.

Here’s to hoping someday I will.