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July 28, 2006

Dear Donald

imagined by: James Mathias

It was twenty-six years ago that you first forced yourself inside of me. I was only five years old. You were in high-school. You continued this assault on my innocence for five years. In the woods, behind the tree in your yard, in my driveway, in your room. I was young—too young—to have this thrust upon me, this sexual behavior, this disgusting act, this mental torture—it shut me down. Fourteen years I hid, hid it away in the back of my mind. The first time you raped me you destroyed something in me, you destroyed the trust-bond my body had with my mind. You made me feel like I wanted it. As if I had initiated it, asked for it.

I kept your secret. I kept it from my mom, my dad, my lovers, my wife. everyone.

Until I was twenty-four and had a son. My mind snapped. I was broken, and I was discovering it fourteen years after the fact.

I began to have severe panic attacks, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. I revealed my fourteen-year-old secret to my wife, she was shocked, saddened and angry. She stayed. She supported me, she endured my grief and my panic, but she stayed. I told my mom, she too was shocked and saddened, but she dropped it and has a hard time thinking about it or discussing it, I think she may blame herself a little bit, not that she’d admit it, too proud. I told my father—that was the hardest. He didn’t demean or blame me, he didn’t call me a faggot or make me feel bad for keeping the secret. But, like my mom he stored the information away, he doesn’t speak of it, he doesn’t want to hear it. I’ve since told others, I’m open about it.

I was molested by my teenage neighbor for five years. It changed me, my life and my body.

For years I let my body and mind distrust one another, I allowed my mind to abuse my body through food and laziness and mental disorders. I’ve had torrid sexual relationships because of my disrespect for my body. I’m addicted to sex because that switch was turned on too early for me. I’m generally a pretty screwed up guy.

Well, I was. For twenty-one years I let my mind and body fight one-another, I let you get the best of me. I gave away twenty-one years of my life.

Recently, I’ve reclaimed my body. I’ve regained control. I own me, I own my body, I control my mind. I’m turning my life around. I have a third child on the way and Amy, my wife is still here ten years later.

I’m writing this to you, not because I want you to feel bad for what you did and have probably continued to do to others since, even though you should. But, to say something I need to say to complete my move forward, away from that chapter of my life. Something that needs to be said. Something I truly feel, and shouldn’t.

Donald, I forgive you and may peace find you.

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hung, orgyen yul-kyi nup-chang tsham
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51 comments

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Jul. 28, 2006 (1:47pm) [#1]

rich

your honesty is awesome. it is a brave thing for you to be able to deal with your pain so openly. i am proud of you, james. you are an inspiration to me.

Jul. 28, 2006 (1:53pm) [#2]

James Mathias

Thanks Rich.

I just don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to hide in my body, in my mind or behind facades that aren’t real, I want to be open and out there with everyone else.

Jul. 28, 2006 (2:12pm) [#3]

Bonita in Pink

Wow, James.
That’s a very intense entry there.

It takes a lot to do what you did. To have to have hid it for so long. Sometimes a secret and a pain like that stays hidden so long inside you, it turns you into a big monster and then just explodes. You can’t hide it anymore.

You have a great woman in your life. Obviously. She loves you no matter what.

I’m glad you’re moving on and making a turn and a change in your life for the best.

God Bless you my friend.

Jul. 28, 2006 (2:49pm) [#4]

James Mathias

Thanks Ana.

Yeah I thank my lucky stars everyday for Amy being in my life, without here, who knows where I’d be right now, or what i’d be doing.

Jul. 28, 2006 (3:12pm) [#5]

Michael

Wow. That was a heavy story. I’m glad to see after such horrible things, you are a great person - despite not knowing you in person, your blog and work shows alot about you as a person. I really don’t know what to say other than that, certainly a shocking story for my daily catch up on regular blogs.

Jul. 28, 2006 (3:38pm) [#6]

Silus Grok

God bless you, James.

And may God forgive Donald, too.

Jul. 28, 2006 (4:07pm) [#7]

James Mathias

Thanks Michael and Silus, I appreciate the support and kind words.

Jul. 28, 2006 (6:51pm) [#8]

Sarah Allison

Damnit James! Don’t write stuff like that on the internet when I can’t be there to hug you and tell you that I love you! I’m sorry that sounds harsh, but this one hurt, I’m still crying as I write this. It hurts my heart that you had to suffer through this when you were so young. But it warms my heart to see the man you became despite it. You are one of the most important people in my life and I’m so proud of you. I love you, bro…

Jul. 28, 2006 (7:43pm) [#9]

James Mathias

I’m a very lucky man, to have so many people whom love me. Thank you sis.

Jul. 28, 2006 (10:01pm) [#10]

Amy Mathias

Baby, I love you! Always have always will…I’m so proud of how you have gained control. You’ve been wanting it for a long time but now, no more asking, it’s time to demand it. And you did it, with all of your energy, and that makes me so proud.

Jul. 28, 2006 (10:47pm) [#11]

James Mathias

Honey, you mean the world to me. Sincerely I owe you everything.

Jul. 29, 2006 (12:37am) [#12]

Amy Mathias

Nah…go on… smile

Jul. 29, 2006 (2:10am) [#13]

Spants

I’ve been lurking here for awhile. But I had to say something to this post.

I am amazed and glad that you’ve found enough peace to let this go and wish well for the person who did this to you. I understand every word you’ve put down here, and I guess it is just nice to know that people heal.

A lot of my anger has faded, but I’m not where you are. Yet.

Jul. 29, 2006 (11:49am) [#14]

Maggi

James,
we talked about this yesterday, but I thought I would put my comments here too. This is such a amazing thing you have done. to have the strength to not only discuss this but put it out there for the world to see…its awe inspiring. For a man to admit this kind of abuse is very taboo, and scary yet you have found the guts to be open. I think that it may help others realize that there is a sickness out there and it doesn’t have to take hold of the victims life. Your forgiveness is beautiful. I love you James and I am proud to be your lil sis.

Jul. 29, 2006 (12:06pm) [#15]

karmatosed

I am stunned by your honesty and humbled by your ability to articulate what so many shove under the carpet for their entire life. I feel that this post is a landmark for you in taking back control. A secret isn’t a secret if it’s said out loud and by saying this you are standing tall above it.

Jul. 29, 2006 (12:24pm) [#16]

James Mathias

Thank you all for being so supportive, it only solidifies my decision to post it.

Spants, I am glad I’ve moved you to comment, I hope to see you comment more often. Thank you. If you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Maggi, thank you for being my sister, I appreciate both my sisters, and I am glad that I can be in your lives.

Tam, Thank you for being supportive, and for seeing the truth of this post, the deep down reason, the statement of control and the move forward, it means a great deal to me when folks I don’t know personally can see my message through my entries.

Jul. 29, 2006 (1:15pm) [#17]

Logan

I’m so sorry about what happened James. You’re such a brave man to expose this to the internet, it’s good that you got it out though and you’re not keeping it bottled up any longer.

Jul. 29, 2006 (1:38pm) [#18]

James Mathias

Thanks Logan, It’s been a long time coming. It’s been eight years since I first revealed the secret to friends and family, and fourteen since it stopped happening, and in fact I believe it might have continued even longer had my family not moved from Portola to Sonoma when I was beggining the sixth grade.

Perhaps if I had been a braver kid, I could have stopped him then, and perhaps stopped him from doing it again, which I know he has, I just have a feeling about it. Predators don’t just stop cause their victim moved away, they just find a new victim, unfortunately.

However, to be clear I do not blame myself for his not being brought to justice, nor do I dwell on it. Although if I were informed that he’d been caught and they were searching for former victims to come forward and tell their stories, I would, without hesitation.

Again I’d like to thank everyone who has commented, or read this entry and put me in their thoughts, I appreciate it greatly.

Thank you.

Jul. 29, 2006 (11:28pm) [#19]

David Myers

Wow James, that seems so hard to handle…especially at the age of 5. I’m sorry what you’ve gone through, and I couldn’t imagine that sort of emotional trauma. I’m glad you’re facing that horrible experience. I’m sure it’s extremely hard to do.

Jul. 29, 2006 (11:37pm) [#20]

James Mathias

Thanks David, It has been hard for many years, but I’ve come to terms with it, and I’m moving forward past it.

Jul. 31, 2006 (12:01am) [#21]

Bonita in Pink

James, I hope you had a good weekend with the wifey and kids.

:-)

Jul. 31, 2006 (12:59am) [#22]

Phil Renaud

Yeeesh, heavy stuff dude. Blogging helps to get things off one’s chest often enough, I find.

I’m happy you’ve found solace with the issue.

Jul. 31, 2006 (12:23pm) [#23]

James Mathias

Hi Ana,

We had a good weekend, we are working on fixing the boys rooms up, which will become a blog entry soon.

Phil, yes I agree, thanks for the support.

Jul. 31, 2006 (1:58pm) [#24]

Sally Carson

Thanks for your courage in sharing this with the world. Beautiful, touching post.

Jul. 31, 2006 (2:45pm) [#25]

James Mathias

Your welcome world, and Sally smile

Thank you for supporting my decision to share, and for not making me second guess it.

Aug. 01, 2006 (12:10pm) [#26]

James

From someone who just has looked at your design work, and then comes and reads your blog occasionally - my opinion of you has just risen a hundred fold. Your bravery is inspirational.

Aug. 01, 2006 (12:16pm) [#27]

James Mathias

Thanks James, I appreciate it. I’m glad that my tragedies can become inspiration for others.

Aug. 02, 2006 (10:45pm) [#28]

Your Auntie Rob

Wow, I had no idea. Of course I am sitting here wondering if I could have, should have known. But no, I don’t think I was around much then, off experiencing my 20’s while my nephew suffered. So sad. I’m sorry, wish I had known. I’m not as forgiving as you. The anger springs forth and I can’t forgive, it happened to me and it happened to one of my daughters and it’s SO WRONG for anyone to suffer for that. I love you James….

Aug. 02, 2006 (11:46pm) [#29]

James Mathias

Aunt Rob,

Don’t worry about not knowing, noone did, except for me and Donald. I didn’t know that it happened to you or one of your daughters (my cousins) That makes me mad.

I’m sorry it happened to you. It’s a sick, sick thing for someone to do.

I had to deal with this for a long time, and now I can move forward, but everyone needs to deal with it on their own terms and timeframe.

Aug. 03, 2006 (1:44am) [#30]

Dave

James, have you reported this guy to the Police?

If he’s still out there abusing 5 year olds, he needs to be stopped and put where he can’t do this any more.

This stuff only ever escalates; some of his victims may not be as strong as you.

I don’t think you could stand by and watch him do this to another - I’m glad you can forgive him James, but he still needs to be put away for the sake of others.

Good luck man, a hard journey.

Aug. 03, 2006 (10:22am) [#31]

Mark (mdz61384)

touching and inspiring james. there are a lot of us who grew up with difficult childhoods and we’ve grown to confront them today. your honesty is great, especially something in front of your audience; nothing I would have expected years ago.

one question I had is if you ever sought therapy. not medication or any such things, but someone to talk to about life. often they are one of the strongest ways to learn lessons parallel to this. I find therapy for me is imperative to my success, and I always look forward to going

thank you for being so strong. I’m really starting to see a difference in this revitalization

Aug. 03, 2006 (11:29am) [#32]

James Mathias

Dave,

No I never reported him to the police, for two reasons; one, I never knew his last name, and they moved away shortly after we did from what I’ve been told by folks that still live in that neighborhood, and two, I was 25 years old when it all came back out, I had been repressing it for so long, that by the time it began to resurface, I had no idea where to start to put him to justice, and no you are right I would not stand by and allow him to abuse others, but at this point I have no idea where he is or how to go about finding him without a last name.

Mark, I have been in therapy in the past and it did help, it helped me gain traction and footing to conquer this issue in my life.

Thank you both for the support and well wishes, I appreciate it.

Aug. 03, 2006 (11:50am) [#33]

Amy Mathias

I’ve wanted to nail the son of a bitch to the wall for a long time but, without a last name, it’s a dead end. That’s why it’s so important to know what your kids are doing every minute and who there with at all times.

Aug. 05, 2006 (2:40am) [#34]

Dave

If you knew where he lived on a particular date, that should be enough for the authorities to start tracking his family down. They’ll have access to voters registers, utility records and so on. (well, they do here in the UK - I’m sure it’ll be the same there)

Have a word with the Police; you’ll have done everything you can and you can close off that particular hanging thread - leave it up to them to find & punish him.

Please forgive my nagging - I was a Policeman for 9 years before I gave it up for software development, and people who abuse children were at the top of my list….and still are.

Best wishes to you and yours James, may the memory of this man soon fade into nothing.

Aug. 05, 2006 (10:30am) [#35]

James Mathias

Dave, I don’t live anywhere near where I did as a child, which authorities should I speak to? Also, isn’t the statute of limitations up on this?

Aug. 05, 2006 (2:42pm) [#36]

Dave

Just go to your local police James. But, don’t just turn up at the front desk; ring & ask to make an appointment with a detective. If it’s anything like the UK, they should hear you out & make notes. It may be that they can’t do anything, but hey, you did what you could.

We have a Statute of Limitations here, but it doesnt apply to serious crime; murderers & rapists are being caught & put away 30 years after the event. I pray & hope the States is the same.

Thanks for listening James; I don’t envy you your path ahead, but it sounds like you’re man enough to go down it with your head held high.

Aug. 05, 2006 (3:33pm) [#37]

James Mathias

I’ll see what I can do Dave, just for you.

Aug. 18, 2006 (11:16pm) [#38]

Kennedy

I don’t see how i managed to miss this entry.


*hugs* and you’re a brave, amazing & awesome man. Thank you for sharing this. Some of these entries of yours are truly inspiring.

Aug. 18, 2006 (11:40pm) [#39]

Roger

I keep coming back to this entry time and time again… but I’ve too much to say… I want (need) to write about it at length.

You have gone from a man whom I know, to some guy on the internet that I chat with some times, to that dude who does design that seems to be in arguments often, to someone who has made me think, to someone who has stood out among a crowd of other friends, to someone whom I have an enormous amount of respect for (especially in the last while, as I have gotten to see the reasons behind the behavior).

You’ve the strength of many men, James.

(I still will have to blog about this, as I’ve so much more to write.)

Aug. 18, 2006 (11:58pm) [#40]

James Mathias

Kennedy, thank you, it means a lot to me if even one person gains strength from my life’s lessons.

Roger, thank you. It means a lot to me. Not sure I need to say more than that, but I really do respect your opinions of me, and I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to see I’ve got more than one side.

Aug. 19, 2006 (12:06am) [#41]

Roger

You need never thank a friend for being there to watch you grow and settle in your skin.

Truth be told, any real friend will be the one to be thankful to have been part of the experience.

Aug. 19, 2006 (6:43am) [#42]

Ivan Brezak Brkan

Dear James,

This is one of the first posts I’ve read on your blog, and due to your senserity I think I’ll be staying here for a while. I can only guess how it’s been for you and can only hope it will be better. In any case, I just wanted you to know that you have support and a friend even in Croatia. Sretno, brate moj!

Aug. 19, 2006 (10:36am) [#43]

James Mathias

@Roger, I know. But, Thank you just the same.

Ivan, thank you for commenting, I appreciate it and I’m glad to know I have a friend in Croatia. But, be careful I may just need to use your couch one day to escape the crazy “American Hunters” from the eastern block.

Oct. 03, 2006 (11:14am) [#44]

Andy

This might be the best single blog post ever. Not because of the usual pap about what music people are listening to *right now!* or something. Very real. Very personal, and very brave. I will check back on you, James Mathias. You deserve that much for sure. Most of us never meet but you certainly make me feel like we have. Good luck.

Oct. 03, 2006 (11:58am) [#45]

James Mathias

Thanks for the support Andy, I appreciate it. I hope to see you back again!

Oct. 10, 2006 (8:20pm) [#46]

Josue Salazar

Sick Fucks like him should be killed.

You, on the other hand, are awesome.

Oct. 10, 2006 (8:33pm) [#47]

James Mathias

Thanks Josue, I appreciate it. And although I agree he should be punished for his actions, I don’t believe death will teach him anything.

Oct. 25, 2006 (1:50am) [#48]

Chuck McClain (Uncle Chuck)

Good Morning James, you have a hell of a site here…Your Mom just sent me an email today with your link. Sorry to hear about the violence you had to bear as a youngster. You have done something by revealing it on this site that most folks wouldn’t go near in thier minds…You are well on your way to a very healthy happy and free life with this piece of cheese behind you. On a daily basis I hear stories from the inmates that I work with that are just like yours, the difference is they held onto the secret far to long and replicated the offence onto others or got into other criminal activities. In the past year I worked with 12 guys that recieved life sentences for various crimes they committed all as a result of Alcohol and Drug abuse as a direct result of abuse suffered as children. Like you, I had the great privilidge to lock down with each and every one of them and help and watch them go through the change that allowed them to forgive the perpritater (spelling) as they finally realized they needed to change thier lives even though freedom was not in the cards for them, it was all about giving up the prospect of trying to change yesterday and not give out the free rent to a wingnut in thier heads. I am supremely proud of you and you have become a man that I would like to emulate…Thank you for your gift. I’m sorry you don’t have the contact with your dad like you would like, I know what that is like…If you ever need to unload or talk or need a surrogate Pop, I would be honored if you were to choose me…Love you Bud, Uncle Chuck

Oct. 25, 2006 (3:00am) [#49]

James Mathias

Ah Chuck! Long time no talk!

Thank you so much for the support and offer of an ear to bend, I greatly appreciate it and it moved me, thank you.

I’m lucky I suppose that I didn’t go the other direction and act out criminally in some way or another. Instead I abused myself mentally and physically, but that’s changing now too. I’m well on my way back to me. I’ve lost 80 pounds so far and have no desire or need to go back to my unhealthy lifestyle. I wake every morning with a purpose and goal and each day I complete that goal. Days add together and in the end I’ll reach my big goals.

Again thank you so much for your support.

Please keep coming by, I’m in the process of moving the site to a new server, but after that’s completed I’ll be posting regularly again, so keep checking back.

Good to hear from you!

Jul. 12, 2007 (4:52am) [#50]

Sulcalibur

This is shocking. This crap happens way way to much. I rate you for moving on I really but I just feel like these people need to die. It’s disgusting and terrible and it deserves to end.

Feb. 06, 2008 (12:08pm) [#51]

Geoff

Your bravery is inspirational. I hope opening this to the sunlight will help rob the memory of toxicity and leave only a manageable scar.

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