August 3, 2007
Feeling Disavowed
imagined by: James Mathias
For as long as I can remember I’ve been a fat person. I wasn’t always four-hundred and fifty-two pounds as I was over a year ago at my heaviest, but I’ve always been fat, not fit, not slim, not trim, but fat. Maybe chubby or husky in my youth but really just fat.
In June of last year I decided to stop being fat. I made an effort to change my life and move onto a new kind of me. A me that has always been just below the surface of this fat exterior. Although, my successes have been good so far, I still have feelings and emotions of a fat man that crop up and try to ruin me, and my journey. They try to interrupt my goals and it’s like running full bore, face first into a sidling glass door that’s so clean you don’t see that it’s closed and coming at you fast until you feel it smashing your nose in and your body crumples up behind you in a off balance mess, and you either stumble or fall backwards, but, sometimes you just stand there admonishing yourself for that unbelievable act of stupidity.
In any case, you’ve just gotten a wake up call.
I’ve lost 130 pounds since I began last June, which is nothing to sneeze at, nothing of which I should be ashamed. I should be proud and hold my slightly smaller head up high.
And I am proud. I accomplished something that many only talk about. That some never even mention but wish for in their heart of hearts.
I still have a ways to go.
When I look into the mirror I still see fat. Sure, there’s muscle creeping in from underneath and at the edges. My health is the best it’s ever been. I feel stronger—I am stronger. I have a mass of energy and endurance that can’t be denied. Yet, I’m still fat. I still have man boobs. I still have jiggly thighs and a chubby bottom. I still feel like a fat man. I’m not nearly as fat or unhappy or unhealthy as one year ago.
Even still, something treads heavily on my soul. A tiny burden, a mean little creature with a singular goal to disarm me and send me running backwards into a full on fat-man attitude.
I also have a good creature within my heart that thinks skinny and fit and pushes me forward to where I need and desire to be.
They fight each other tooth and nail, tumbling and snarling, ripping and tearing at each other’s throats, vying for a position that would help control and guide my destiny.
I’m openly rooting for the second little guy, he’s my hope. He’s the one that will take me where I want to go.
At the same time I feel disavowed by my own body and mind, as if I’ve lost the control, I worked so diligently and hard to earn.
I’ve been stuck at the three-hundred and fifteen pound mark for several months. I’ve leveled out and it’s getting to me mentally—it’s draining me. I want to get past this plateau but I’m not sure how to dig myself out. I still exercise daily, I eat right and the correct amounts, but I seem to have stalled, and it’s not very close to the finish line. I’ve got miles yet to run.
I think I can do this, and I think I can get past this, but it’s affecting all aspects of my life, family and work.
I feel stuck.
But deep down, somewhere beyond my own will and self I know I’ll get past this and make my goals.
Thank you so much for listening, I greatly appreciate it.
Feeling Disavowed
- 08.3.07 at 6:13pmthrown down:
- James Mathiasimagined by:
- Weight Loserstored in:
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17 comments
Aug. 03, 2007 (6:27pm) [#1]
Mike Stickel
Dude, you’re on an amazing run. Try switching something up a bit. Look for different exercises, push yourself a little more (more weight, make yourself sore again), maybe those will help.
Then again, this could be the point where your muscle weight is catching up with your fat loss
A way around the bad creature could be to focus on your body fat % instead of your weight.
Aug. 03, 2007 (7:38pm) [#2]
Jerry Chacon
First, I totally agree with Mike on he change it up and what to focus on front.
Second, just to let you know, I am rooting for the second little guy too…for what it’s worth.
Peace to you man.
Aug. 03, 2007 (8:36pm) [#3]
Kaia
You have done fabulous! I wish I could say I have lost that much. As for your plateau, I have read that changing your exercise regimen can help.
Every time I have that little demon tempting me to be lazy I affirm to myself the reasons I am trying to lose weight and become healthier.
Good luck and thanks for the great post!
Aug. 03, 2007 (10:41pm) [#4]
Michael Boutros
James. You’re gonna get through this. We’re all here, rooting for you, and you’re gonna finish this race.
Aug. 03, 2007 (11:37pm) [#5]
James Mathias
Mike, good idea, I’m going to put that into action starting Monday. Thank you for the support.
Jerry, I appreciate it and I need everyone rooting for that second guy, it all helps.
Kaia, thank you I appreciate it. My demon is not tempting me to be lazy or eat poorly, he just makes me doubt myself and feel terrible.
Michael, thank you bro, I really appreciate it.
Aug. 04, 2007 (1:41am) [#6]
Silus Grok
You can do it… hell, you’ve got complete strangers rooting for you!
: )
Aug. 04, 2007 (2:06am) [#7]
James Mathias
Thanks Silus.
Aug. 04, 2007 (12:08pm) [#8]
Aunt Rob
I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. You have great will power. Just remember, in this family, it’s in the genes/jeans too. Sometimes you just can’t help where your DNA comes from. As long as you’re healthy, that’s the most important part. You’re doing great and you will get past this. Love ya.
Aug. 04, 2007 (6:23pm) [#9]
Jamie Allison
Congrats on the weight loss. My advice is to look at your mental state just as you did your physical state. You had to get your self into a physical routine to achieve loosing the phisical weight, I would suggest trying to get into a routine to loose the mental weight. I’m not that schooled on Buddism, but I think it’s all a bout balance, so if thats true for the physical aspects of your life, it should be true for the mental aspects of your life.
My other advice for you is to work with what you have, not with what you want, If you keep up the physical regime you will get what you want, but you don’t have it yet, but what you do have is increased energy, and stamina, and that can equates to greater ammounts of creativity and the energy and drive to bring those things to light.
Fo me personally if I make small, achivable, realistic mental goals to achive daily, or sometimes weekly, it gives me the drive to keep going, in the mundane 9-5 work weeks.
Also, you have a great support system, use it. Your family and friends are there for you, lean on them once and a while, they are just as much a tool for success, as they are system of support.
It’s no longer a question of “Can I do this?” mainly cause you already have, It’s now a question of “How do I maintain this”.
By the way your journey has inspired me to get back in shape myself, So thank you for sharing this with all of us.
And you will do this. There’s no question about it.
Aug. 04, 2007 (9:11pm) [#10]
Sulcalibur
Like Mike said. It’s most probably to do with muscle build up and fat loss, a lot of people get to that stage and feel crap. You are best off ignoring the scales for a little while and check your BMI. Also go with your own personal feeling and check yourself out. You’ll probably notice certain areas toning out and also aches and pain from working out. If you are eating right and excercising there is NO way that you can be staying at the same body fat percentage.
YOu obviously want this. If you posted it so publically you want it. So take it dude!
Also kudos on the superb results so far mate.
Aug. 05, 2007 (7:40am) [#11]
Sulcalibur
I just mentioned this to my wife whilst eating lunch and being a diet guru and healthy eating freak her advise was to ’step it up’ a bit. She said do something like a new sport, like swimming, tennis, etc and do something drastic for just one week, like cut out bread. This should give you a moral boost
Aug. 06, 2007 (1:26pm) [#12]
James Mathias
Rob, thank you. Although I’m not sure I agree with the genetics argument. I’m fat because I didn’t take care of myself.
Jamie, thank you for the advice, I agree with you and I’m doing my best to work on the mental as well as the physical. Posting this is one of the ways I do that. I felt loads better directly after posting. This is also the way I “lean” on my support system.
Sulcaliber, I agree somewhat. I’m not 100% sure that is where I am yet, but it is possible that I’m very close to that point making it difficult to drop the extra pounds. Tell your wife thank you for the advice, I’m going to be stepping it up a notch starting this week. And see if that helps.
Aug. 06, 2007 (10:45pm) [#13]
Steve
Hey James, I’m well versed in nutrition and I’ve been reading your blog off and on so I thought I’d chime in here. If you are doing many of the same cardio or weight lifting routines your body literally gets used to those workouts and can do them easily. Your best bet is to (like Mike said) change it up. If you run, bike. If you bike, run. If you do benchpresses, do pushups- etc. You need to shock your body.
Also, I’m not sure if you count calories or not but sometimes it’s good to do it just for a couple days to make sure you’re eating as little or as much as your diet requires- remember, eating too little can stall your weight loss too!
Cheers
Aug. 07, 2007 (10:35pm) [#14]
Mrs. Mathias (the wife)
You know what you need to do, so do it. I’m here if you need me, and I always will be. Kick it up a notch and have faith, in yourself and your path. Love ya baby!!!
Aug. 08, 2007 (7:50am) [#15]
rich
James, it is not about the numbers. It is about how you feel. Do not forget that beauty comes from within, literally. Your body responds to your emotions. Have you cried lately? Have you just broke down and let your emotions take over for a minute? Sometimes that helps me. I believe in you, James.
Aug. 08, 2007 (11:28am) [#16]
Mark (mdz61384)
Losing weight is great and all, but pushing yourself until you collapse will get you so far and then you will hit a wall. Pushing like that is comforting…for one it proves you have stamina and determination, which you may have never had. It shows you have consistency, which is the part that most people fail at. But at the expense of what? You are a thinking man James, is the only reason you are happy with this long and successful journey because you saw and FELT results week after week? That’s not unreasonable! Humans and people work this way! And you will continue to feel better, only when you see results. You have a ways to go both in body and soul; it’s the soul part that causes that tumbling, it’s our bodies way of trying to trick ourselves that we’ve done enough.
This post almost brought me to tears, I am so glad every time you feel vulnerable like this you post it online for us to read. Some people never make that step James. And instead of burying it down under layers of disgust, you brought it so the surface to get dissipated, and that is how you are going to lose the rest of this weight. Bring it to the surface, let it go. Try new things. Look at things from different perspectives, and you will win James, you will win.
I met Mike, a long time friend of mine back during the iB days (Zerio) just 2 weeks ago for the first time in the 8 years we’ve known eachother. And I hope one day I get to meet you. It’s incredible how you’ve pushed yourself and continue to do so. It’s like you were doing all the things wrong before, and now are doing all the things right. What a man baby. Did I just say that? Whatever. Keep it up bud, and lean on me if you ever need to. We’re all here to see you succeed.
Aug. 08, 2007 (11:32am) [#17]
Mark (mdz61384)
Rich, fantastic post! I do agree! Real men cry. Whoops, not a topic for here (I could go on forever). Also I would suggest posting at least once a month. It has been almost 2 since the last one…get it out there bud.
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