I’m fat again, and again. I find it’s a reoccurring theme in my life.
Get fat, stay fat, lose weight, get fat, stay fat.
I realized something this morning. It’s not about the weight, never has been. It’s about respect. Or, lack thereof.
Lack of respect for me, for who I am, who I want to be, who I deserve to be. Sometimes I wake up for a year or two, but then I fall back asleep at the wheel, allowing my mind to go on auto pilot in the comfort lane.
The comfort lane is where I spend a majority of my waking life, easy street. I stay inside my comfort lane, ‘cause its easy, its second nature. I don’t switch into the pain lane cause its hard, and hot, and sticky over there.
I ignore friends, and family. I pay attention to food, and things that let me not think about it.
What’s “it”? Anything really; Sadness, happiness, anger, calm. You name an emotion, it can trigger a binge.
Why though? ‘Cause I’m self destructive? No, I’m really not, I love myself a whole shit-ton. Is it ‘cause I don’t know no better? Nope. I know all the things I’m supposed to do to be healthy I just actively choose to shun those things. Is it ‘cause I like being fat? Not in the least, it’s uncomfortable, filthy, and worst of all it makes me feel worthless.
So why then Jim? Why do you allow yourself these indulgences, and comforts? Well, because I’m an asshole, and I don’t respect myself.
I love myself, but I don’t respect myself.
I don’t think I ever have. Being molested didn’t help, but that is an outside cause, and one that I’ve worked through mentally. It still contributes to my internal victimization, but it’s no longer the root cause of my behavior. No, being fat is the root cause.
It’s a cycle. I’m fat, so fuck it. I don’t want to be fat anymore. Fuck it.
Food is easy, it doesn’t judge me, it fills me. Food doesn’t make me feel bad, well until later. The problem with food is its necessary to survive. But its also capable of slowly killing you.
Americans act like they should be able to eat whatever they want, when they want, and never worry about weight or health. I say fuck that, that is stupid, that is a wish you make to a Leprechaun, and those damn things aren’t easy to find.
I’m tired. I’m tired of being something I’m not. I’m tired of being an asshole to myself.
I’m awake again, and this time I’m going to do everything I can to stay up. If you see me asleep at the wheel, do me a solid and wake me the fuck back up.