Minions, and why I don’t want one

by james mathias / 2005 / fictional

Minions are naturally scaly, hunched creatures, and oft times have very poor grooming and hygiene practices. I am inclined to wonder why anyone would like to have, or even require having a minion or more so, legions upon legions of them.

I have never been one to take my millions—ok, hundreds—of dollars and construct a fortress in the side of a scarily named mountain—like “Thunder Mountain” or “Devil’s Peak”—resembling my chiseled visage. Nor, would I then purchase the entire town from which my face could be seen, sternly ruling them with an iron fist. I would not construct a laser or any other type of mass destruction device. And I would never, have an arch nemesis, or nemeses.

I find it disconcerting that some people are so willing to become a minion, it is like at the drop of a sinister top hat they’ll say “Hey, can I be your minion?” or the more commonly heard “Hey, I am your minion after all.” The latter scares me, as I don’t think it is the minions place to hire himself into the employ of an evil genius or other equally minion worthy boss arch-type. That however is beside the point. Not needing to have minions or even a singular minion, I find myself wondering how I could even come to ponder such a thing.

I’ll tell you. This evening I was approached via AIM, by a person that will remain nameless for Bryan’s protection, He said to me, “...I’m your minion…” There was more to the sentence, but it doesn’t play into this discussion. To which I promptly replied, “Sigh, I don’t want any minions”. He felt—I can only assume—offended and hurt by my lack of need/want for any such lower being. Maybe not, I may have read his resulting responses incorrectly.

I sincerely hope that he does not take this as a sign from god that I need to be stalked and killed under the guise of “love”, as again I can only assume he has a great love for me to want to voluntarily become a minion where no position has been created, and therefore lacks the need for filling. Of course, if he were to do such a thing, he would be banished to the fiery pits of hell for attempting to destroy a higher ranking demon.

As I write, I can think of a lot of good and evil things I could make a minion do or even say. I do, however, realize that my impulse to accept a minion would be later regretted immensely. I do love my privacy, and I am not sure—having never had a minion before—but I can confidently say that when you take a minion you don’t get a lot of “alone” time.

Tell me about your personal experiences with minions and other lower beings.

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats circa 1899