Turned Forty

by james mathias / 2014 / personal

Tonight at 9:41pm I’ll turn forty.

I’ve been having a hard time with that concept. I woke up at some point in January, filled with despair. This year, this July I was going to be forty. In my mind, this number was a towering mass, lumbering, and gently swaying above me. A million leagues above me. I couldn’t see the top, it was shrouded in the clouds, breaking the atmosphere. So high. I’ll never be able to overcome this number I thought. I began to panic.

I talked about it with Lu, as I always do. You see, for eighteen of my forty years, she’s been here, always there. She is my metaphorical rock and my literal best friend, I couldn’t imagine a life, let alone one day without her. She, as she tends to be was rational and supportive and empathic. She said. “Be proud, you earned every one of these years.” I grimaced, and accepted that into my heart as Gospel.

So instead of feeling sorry for myself and letting the giant numbers control my thoughts and days, I decided to take the year to really learn who I am. To really figure out how to love myself. I started posting lessons for myself on Facebook (they live here as well).

What I’ve learned so far is that I really like who I’m becoming, I really like where this life is going, and I don’t regret my experiences, but sometimes I regret my actions.

I’m going to continue posting and learning and understanding who I really am, I am after all still climbing the hill.

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard.
Do not let the pain make you hate.
Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.
Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

Kurt Vonnegut circa unknown